So I posted this very photo a few weeks ago with a list of topics for my podcast-in-production. Someone kindly commented on my photo ‘Wow, so this is what it looks like to do what you are supposed to do’. I smiled so big when I read that. Because I know it’s true.
I’ve wanted to do this work for AGES. I’ve suppressed it - for the same reasons YOU suppress your passions and longings: Erin, you are too much for this world. Too eccentric, loud, dark, wild, blah blah blah.
And here’s the thing.
YES I am eccentric, and kinda a genius in the way my brain computes differently. (Mm hmm I just bragged about myself).
YES I am outspoken. Words are words. Why are you afraid of my words? I wonder what possibilities might present for you if you pondered your fear instead of expecting me to be quiet in order to mitigate the world inside you.
YES I can be perceived as ‘dark’, but a more accurate description would be that I am a gifted seer. I can see and sense the entire spectrum of a person: their potential, their soul, their pain, their possibilities, and the spark of holy that lives inside. Because I am so comfy in the dark? I hold people while they explore and seek reclamation, remembrance, unity, and self-revelation. It’s true. I’m fiercely protective of my clients, super nurturing, and wise AF. I’m so good at this.
YES I am what you might perceive as wild. My wildness is a streak of illumination. Calling out: there is more than this. There is so much more. Throw off the muzzle, the chains. Seek your voice, your truth, your power. And, I’m only going to get more wild. Again I ask: why is this so scary for you?
BUT ANYWAY. I deleted this photo and the list of podcast topics that included trauma, shame, body, relationships, and s*x .... because I was questioned as a mother.
Like, moms can’t be talking about sensuality, s*xuality, or sharing how to love your choices and your bodies or something. If we do we are obvs totally bad mommys and incapable of seeing, loving, nurturing, and tending our children - in the same, yet more deeply bonded by nature, way in which we guide and nurture others into deeper relationship with themselves.
Any woman (or individual who carries a healthy relationship to their feminine *essence*) who is truly living from a space of deep *pure* connection with herself and her community innately carries the above qualities whether she is a mother or not.
It’s as if the power and gift of the deep body and soul connection I carry, the very one that has tended to thousands of people through my art, workshops, and books is actually twisted against me when it comes to motherhood and my own body.
HELLO WHORE / MADONNA SPLIT THAT IS F*CKING UP THE WORLD ON SO MANY LEVELS IN HUGE RIPPLES OF CRISIS.
So I panicked. Literally. Like got an instant migraine and my whole body sizzled up in shame. I deleted it, and frantically sought out other posts to delete.
I deleted them, too.
Then I sizzled up in shame for deleting my own self in my radiance, in my joy. For allowing fear of unbridled expression about my work that builds bridges, generates possibilities for deep understanding, creates community and conversation, and ushers in deep personal growth.
It’s taken a few weeks to get myself back on track. Sturdy and fierce AF-ish. Again.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
The layers of shame we carry are INSANE. I’m with you. I get this whole labyrinthian clusterf*ck we have to navigate in order to BE WHO WE ARE.
Guess what? I am a mother. I love my girl fiercely and will always endeavor / sometimes unsuccessfully because I’m human to tend to her true needs and encourage her to be wild, outspoken, strong, indomitable, and whoever she is or wants to be.
I am a woman with passion who strives to be a living example for ALL people who are journeying HARD toward rising up from the muzzle, learning to love themselves, live FREE from the sizzle of shame, who are hellbent on reclaiming their bodies and minds from trauma and the contradictions that society feeds us from day one.
These two things can co-exist. Fiercely.
They are in fact, one in the same.
The more in tune with my whole self I am, and the more I consciously make my living doing what I LOVE and where my GIFTS are ... the more wholesomely I can tend to my daughter.
Let’s stop crucifying Eve, shall we?
PS. It’s funny. There are all these books out there for parents to share with their kids. Education around boundaries, intended as prevention against abuse.
One of the messages that is sent through these books over and over is:
NO. THIS IS MY BODY.
Powerful message, right? Like, total ownership and self-possession right off the bat. It has really stuck with my daughter - for this I am grateful.
It’s kinda messed up that kids receive this IMPORTANT AND VITAL message as little ones, but then society totally undermines that and eventually you learn: NO.
That book lied.
Your body really isn’t yours.
One of the many moments in life you learn this is when you choose to use your body to create, grow, birth, feed, and love your baby.
Then, everyone else gets to decide what you say, show, do, and be.
It’s so f*cked up.
PSS It’s super important to say that the more I am talking about these things out loud, the more messages are landing in my inbox: ‘Thank you for saying these things. I feel like you are speaking for me. I’ve felt alone. I don’t know who else to talk to. You are doing this work for my daughter. Your perspective helps me teach my son how to honor a strong feminine’.
From all walks of life these messages are pouring in.
The world is full of hurting, silenced people.
..... and deeply hurting SILENCE-ers OF people.
PSSS I am soaking up Eve right now for my new online course, Taboo. You’ll be hearing more from me about the imprint of her story on our collective psyche.